How should I approach this?
Written on November 26, 2009 – 5:34 am | by zacharyhatfield1990
My husband and I have been seeing a marraige counselor. We have been to 2 sessions. In that time, my husband admitted to problems with lust. During some of our rocky times, my husband started talking to another girl. He says he never had sex with her but needless to say it played with my emotions a lot. Today, I logged onto his myspace and saw where he messaged her yesterday!!! This hurt my feelings because I felt like we were making such progress. Nothing in the message was bad, but he just wrote her to say hi. The thing is, that is part of the reason we’re in counseling. He never told me about her, and I had to find out about her on my own. So, I checked his myspace and found that. It was nothing harmful but still it hurt b/c of the past they had while we were separated. I deleted the message as well. How do I approach this without a big argument? I only want our marraige to move foward but with stuff like this, I feel like there is no hope. Also, how do I tell him I checked his messages? That’ll make him mad too!
Definitely have some trust issues.
I know you have been having problems, but checking up behind him isn’t going to help the situation.
So go ahead and tell him what you did, and tell him how you feel.
Bring it up in your next counseling session as well.
Then, make sure that you are not talking to or saying hi to any men that you know.
If you expect him not to talk to, or say hi to any women at all, then you should hold to the same standard when talking to men.
So, if you have male friends, by your standards, it’s your responsibility not to speak to them ever again, otherwise it will doom your marriage.
Mr R | Dec 24, 2008
You need to wait and bring this up in the next counseling session so a professional can help you work through it the proper way.
smills0205 | Dec 24, 2008
Don’t approach it, i say continue to monitor their correspondence and see what happens. Maybe you will find out all you need to know if he continues to speak with the woman.
C-DOGG | Dec 24, 2008
well he has the right to be mad and it will make him feel like you don’t trust him, your marriage can’t go forward without trust.
She could just be a friend that he can talk to and get a female perspective on things that are going on with the two of you.
you should bring it up when you are in one of you sessions with the marriage counselor
lumpy_mace | Dec 24, 2008
Tough one………..keep going to marriage counseling.
If he argues with you…….you probably hurt his feeling and made him feel guilty……like he already did. So confrontation is ok, don’t fear it. Honestly, he needs to get the fu ck out if he can’t work with you anyway and your always having to confront/fight with him.
Keep on working on it……….remember the limits. Lust is in the eyes….cheating is in the heart, eyes, body and soul.
Daddyoh | Dec 24, 2008
First of all, You should not have invaded his privacy! I understand your hurt and the things you are going through as I have done the same in the recent past. Relationships are grown and strengthened trust. If your husband chooses to associate with this woman then maybe it’s time to consider a longer sepseparation even divorce. The point is, if you cant trust him now, then you may never be able to trust him. I would ask him to be completely upfront with you about his commitment ton your marriage and then make your decdecisionsed on his answer and you intuition, but you defdefinitelyould not tell him that you were snooping through his myspace page, thats a violation of trust in and of itself and will only drive him closer to this other woman. Good Luck!
dbour3501 | Dec 24, 2008
You need to tell him that if he wants your marriage to work out then he needs to delete myspace or any other profile page that he has where he could meet women. If he keeps contact with these people that he is having an emotional affair with and lusting over then your marriage will be doomed.
Just dont’ yell, that will get you nowhere. Good luck!
Nichole | Dec 24, 2008
2 sessions does not make a marriage. Marriage is hard, hard, hard extremely hard, work. Keep with the counseling, attend a Church that has a marriage program and sit down and talk with him, not us. Bring up the computer issue in counseling where you have a third party to mediate and suggest the computer go until you two are in a better place. And pray. God answers prayers. It doesn’t always happen overnight, but the faithful are always rewarded by answered prayers. With the answer that is best for you.
James Watkin | Dec 24, 2008
sounds like the topic of discussion for your third session
although if I were you I’d do a few things:
1- call the therapist and give them the heads up that you have a topic you want to bring up in the next session
they may even call you in to talk about it individually that way they can help you bring it up to your husband
2- it sounds like there may have been a miscommunication, your husband may consider this person a "friend" at this point and may not see how talking to them is wrong so long as he is not lusting for them…you should probably meantion that thought to your therapist and then maybe your therapist can help you find a way to ask your husband not to have contact with that person anymore (he won’t be happy about it, but if approached the right way he’ll understand why it makes you uncomfortable)
and
3- stop checking his accounts, its a major invasion of his privacy and you know that
just talk to him about it in therapy, appologize for doing it, and promise to stop
even if he has had problems lusting for others, you are working this out in therapy, and you need to show him some trust otherwise he’ll stop trying to fix the relationship
have alittle faith in eachother, especially in times like these, and it’ll pay off in the long run
PS do not do not do not talk to him without your therapist present! you two are not ready to work through this type of confrontation on your own alone, if you want to avoid a fight and find a comprimise then you NEED a third party whose trained to mediate these types of situations
kisses come in fives | Dec 24, 2008
Just tell him you saw it.
the_emrod | Dec 24, 2008
Hmm.. the best defense is a good offense.
Just | Dec 24, 2008
well you shouldnt be checking his mail .. thats personal .. and men and woman can be friends .. and just friends even if things had happen in the past .. At least he is making an attempt to make your marriage better . You should try to trust him and see where it goes . Stop checking his mail .. just ask him if he still speaks to her .. and if he can be honest .. you would be more comfortable .
Navywife666 | Dec 24, 2008
Very sticky situation. You just need to tell him that you knew he might slip, but you wanted to be proud of his progress thats why you checked. Obviously he will be mad, but he won’t explode cause he WAS wrong. Ask him why he feels he needed to contact her. Perhaps there are things you can do for him or that you can do with him to fill those voids.
njbz81 | Dec 24, 2008
well god hate divorces but if he had sex with someone it says to leave him,to me more likely had sex, usually your feelings are Always right if you hear rocks in the water is usually is. life is too short to live in misery,tell him shape out or ship out! and don’t let the door hit you where the good lard Split you!! he just probably saw the Grass greener on the other side, but once he gets there is wasn’t as green as he thought, let him go if he was meant to be yours he’ll come back to your arms again,forcing him, not even the shoes fit. i know sweetie is very painful i went Thur this myself he left…he came knocking on my door…we been married 30 yrs.now in feb.14.and 4 children and i know how painful it is it’s not the end of the world but is a dame good start right but if i can do it you can too, you know why? that’s what is call though love,and love hurts.everyone that play that game knows love hurts
jessica | Dec 24, 2008
how could he be mad if he contacted the girl he had something going on with? how twisted is that? he betrayed you and you feel that you invaded his privacy? any counselor will tell you, that HE (not you!!!) needs to earn trust back.i dont understand how he has such control over you that you dont see he is the one wrong and not you.
sillerious | Dec 24, 2008
What you need to think about and tell your counselor is that men are biologically polygamous and have a biological drive for variety and his myspace e-mailings are a simple way to get innocent variety. Also, one professor has done MRI’s with many people and discovered that when men get married part of their brain shuts down. Part of that has to do with focusing on you. Its nothing personal, its just what guys do.
dwgriffith101 | Dec 24, 2008
Tags: lust sessions